For those who don’t know, asexuality is an umbrella term that categorizes people onto a spectrum that experience varying degrees of sexual/romantic/spiritual/emotional attraction to others. My specific flavor of asexuality is demisexual, which means that I need to establish an emotional connection to someone before entering a sexual relationship with them. It’s not an impossibility for me to experience sexual attraction outside of those parameters, but it is usually the case.
Being an asexual student is interesting. I’m sure it would probably be a little different if I attended school in person. Being online gives me the advantage of not focusing on relationship prospects at school -- and given that there is at most an eleven-year age gap between the youngest students at my school and me, I prefer it that way.
Even when my classmates and I were the same age, dating someone was never really a priority for me. Sometimes I feel envious that relationships seem like second nature for some, but that has never been the case for me. I used to think I was weird for not being sexually attracted to my peers, or having celebrity crushes, but I just…didn’t. But I didn’t know any better when I was a teenager. I didn’t know I was trans and struggling with gender dysphoria and that my body was holding years of trauma that prevented me from feeling typical. I didn’t know that I was dealing with mental health issues and that my brain was literally different from others. I didn’t know I was on the autism spectrum and had ADHD. Finding these things out about myself and being able to accept that they were my truths was how I began to grow a little more confident in myself. Now, it’s easy for me to determine when my asexuality is expressing itself or when I am being triggered by past events.
My gender plays a large role in my attraction to people. Despite being a transmasculine person, I do also identify as a sapphic person. What that means for me is that I still feel the same pull towards women and non-men the way I did before I started transitioning and still identified as a lesbian.
Another thing I am exploring is solo-polyamory (being in a relationship with myself while navigating what dating others feels like) and intimate platonic relationships that include things one might do with a partner. I co-parent my nephews with my best friend and her husband. I cuddle with some friends, and share personal things with others, and we rely on each other in extremely intimate ways. It is truly something I recommend if it is at all possible.
Another thing is, that you can identify with more than one sexuality. There is no rule that says you can’t. It makes sense to me I am demisexual and that I am sapphic and bisexual or pansexual depending on who's asking. Some might disagree with me, but there are people out there who believe I can’t be trans because I don’t feel like I was born in the wrong body or experience crippling body dysphoria. And to that I say, there is no one right way to be. I exist the way I am supposed to right now in this moment. Just as anyone reading this does. No one else gets to decide that. That doesn’t mean to stop striving towards growth and nurturing our inner child and self. It just means that we are works in progress. There’s no right or wrong way to exist. Morals and ethics are an entirely other story, but since none of us asked to be alive or exist, the simple act of existing is infinite.